| Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Five: one to screw in the light bulb and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it!
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They have a machine to do that now.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only after asking "Why?"
("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.
Q: What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!
Q: What does a drummer use for contraception?
A: His personality!
Q: Why do bands need Roadies?
A: To translate what the drummer says.
Q: What did the professional drummer say when he got to do his job?
A: "Would you like fries with that?"
Q: Why is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A: You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.
Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A: He doesn't know when to come in.
Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A: The knocking speeds up.
Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.
Q: How can you make a drummer slow down?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him
Q: How can you make that drummer stop?
A: Put notes on it!
Q:Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
Q: Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A: Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?
A: You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.
Q: What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.
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If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?
The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.
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One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hide one of the drummer's sticks.
After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic-wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven:
"Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!"
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Two drummers walk into a bar...
which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it.
-------- (this one is for singers....)
A singer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian."
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".
--------(this one is for bass players....)
Penalties* for Bass Infractions
NAME OF OFFENDER (Bass Player)_______________________
INFRACTION DATE___________________________*
MUSICAL OFFENSES
Playing* loudly during warm up $10
Sound-checking amp* with funk slapping $25
Loud cursing after mistake $10
Playing high and fast after mistake* $20
Practicing 2-handed* tapping between tunes $20
Asking for "E"* tuning note $25 *
Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
Playing* written-out* walking line $50
Failure to play written walking line $75
Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
Writing beat* numbers* under dotted figures $50
Playing eighth notes $5* each
Playing sixteenth* notes $10 each
Playing above 1st* octave - immediate dismissal
Dragging* fast tempo $75
Dragging* ballad tempo $100
Blacking out during ballad* $200
Ignoring* drummer's tempo $100
Following drummer's tempo $250
Asking* to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000*
UPRIGHT PLAYERS
Showing* up before first downbeat $25
Playing audibly $25
Faking* changes $25 *
Slapping $150
Missing tutti lick, then mentioning* vintage of bass* $25
Excessive sweating $25
Pedal point* double-stops during horn solo* $50
Asking leader for a solo* $30
Accepting solo when offered $50
Taking second chorus* $100
Playing solo arco $400
Pretending to check* tuning after* playing out of tune $100
Playing "A Train" ending on every* tune* $200
Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500*
ELECTRIC* PLAYERS
Checking hair between tunes $15
Experimenting with* odd meters* $25
Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
Playing with a pick* $50
Tuning during ballad $30
Playing* Jaco groove on samba $75
Playing* Jaco samba groove on ballad* $150
Attempting last word on final chord* $50
Achieving last* word on final chord $100
Long gliss down to final* note $200 *
EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
Forgetting strap $10
Changing* strings after every set $15
Using electric tuner $15
Setting* up mic* "just in case" $75
Forgetting to turn amp on $40
Bringing amp larger* than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
Asking anyone for help moving* amp $25
Bringing custom-made* bass $100 per string above 4
Bringing* more than 1 bass $100* per extra bass
Skull decals on bass $150
Bringing* fretless* bass* $500*
CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
Telling bone player about all the* gigs you get $10
Asking bone player about their day gig $10 *
Sitting* behind drums on break $10
Quoting "Birdland" $25 *
Practicing scales* during break $25
Practicing scales during* drum solo $50
Practicing* $150
Beginning a sentence with "When* I was a guitar player..." $50
Casually mentioning to Musical* Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $100*
BASIC* STUPIDITY
Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
Wearing new* Whitesnake tour shirt $20
Asking when the rock set starts $20 *
Continually asking "where are we?" $25
Continually shouting* "Yeah!" $25
Asking bone player where "1" is $50
Taking cell* phone call during 4's $100
--------- (this is when in recording session....)
Translation Guide to a Recording
Session Musician to engineer. Could we have more band in the phones?
Translation: The singer is too f**king loud in the phones !
Singer to engineer: I can't hear myself.
Translation. I don't want to hear anyone but myself.
Musician to guitarist: Can you hear yourself okay?
Translation: You're too f**king loud in the phones !
Bassist to band. Can everybody hear the drums?
Translation: This band is swinging like a broken record !
Drummer to bassist: Can you hear the kick drum?
Translation: We're not locking..... !!
Bassist to producer: Could we have more steel/fiddle/accordion in the phones?
Translation: I will punish the band for rushing.
Musician to producer: Could we have more piano in the phones?
Translation: Your artist can't sing in tune.
Musician to writer: This song has nice changes.
Translation. It's amazing what you can do with two chords.
Musician to producer or artist: This song sounds like a hit.
Translation: This song sounds like another song.
Producer to band: It's a feel thing.
Translation: I know the song sucks, but the artist wrote it.
Musician to producer: I don't think we'll beat the magic of that first take.
Translation: Please don't make us play this piece of s**t again.
Drummer to band: Should we speed up the tempo a couple of clicks?
Translation: Do you all intend to keep rushing?
Musician: Could we listen to one in the control room?
Translation: The way these phones sound, we might as well be listening to Radio Free Europe.
Producer to band: Let's take a break and come back and try one more.
Translation: I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.
Musician to producer: Were we booked for two sessions today?
Translation: Another three hours of this and I may have to kill you.
Producer to band: We're supposed to be done at six, but we've got only one more tune and I was wondering if we could skip our dinner break and work straight through.
Translation: You'll be done at nine, and you'll be hungry.
Artist to producer: I don't like this song; it really sucks.
Translation: I didn't write this song.
Producer to artist: Trust me. It is a good song. Radio will love it.
Translation: F**k you, I own the publishing on this song.
Singer to musician: Can you play something like (so-and-so) would play?
Translation: I really wanted (so-and-so) on this record.
------------
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."
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hope you all enjoy the jokes....
cya!  |