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  #1  
Old 01-18-2006, 04:39 PM
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Best Drummer Jokes


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  #2  
Old 01-20-2006, 10:07 AM
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Come on, anybody???
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  #3  
Old 03-03-2006, 05:38 PM
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Bassist....


What do you call someone who doesn't play a insturment but hangs out with a bunch of people that do......a drummer my bassist told me this one what a jerk.
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  #4  
Old 03-20-2006, 08:57 PM
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how do you know a drummer is knocking on your door?............it slows down... haha
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  #5  
Old 03-21-2006, 11:11 AM
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Drummer Jokes


How do you get a drummer off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

How do you know when the stage is level?
The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers's mouth.

Why does the drummer hate drum machines?
Those things always slow down.

What do you call a drummer without a girfriend?
Homeless.
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  #6  
Old 04-05-2006, 09:54 PM
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Haha I like that last one
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  #7  
Old 04-21-2006, 02:42 AM
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Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Five: one to screw in the light bulb and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it!

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They have a machine to do that now.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only after asking "Why?"
("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

Q: What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!

Q: What does a drummer use for contraception?
A: His personality!

Q: Why do bands need Roadies?
A: To translate what the drummer says.

Q: What did the professional drummer say when he got to do his job?
A: "Would you like fries with that?"

Q: Why is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A: You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A: He doesn't know when to come in.

Q: How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
A: The knocking speeds up.

Q: What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: How can you make a drummer slow down?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him

Q: How can you make that drummer stop?
A: Put notes on it!

Q:Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

Q: Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
A: Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: Why are bad drummers better than drum machines?
A: You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.

Q: What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.

--------
If a dollar bill was laying in the center of a room, and the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get the money?

The drummer with bad time since the other three don't exist.

--------
One day, a tuba player wanted to torture the drummer behind him, so he hide one of the drummer's sticks.

After looking around for a few minutes, with a frantic-wide-eyed expression, the drummer fell to his knees, flung his arms wide, and screamed to heaven:

"Finally! The miracle, after all these years! I'm a Conductor!"

--------
Two drummers walk into a bar...
which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it.

-------- (this one is for singers....)
A singer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some "real" musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says "I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian."

The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay".

--------(this one is for bass players....)
Penalties* for Bass Infractions
NAME OF OFFENDER (Bass Player)_______________________
INFRACTION DATE___________________________*

MUSICAL OFFENSES
Playing* loudly during warm up $10
Sound-checking amp* with funk slapping $25
Loud cursing after mistake $10
Playing high and fast after mistake* $20
Practicing 2-handed* tapping between tunes $20
Asking for "E"* tuning note $25 *
Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
Playing* written-out* walking line $50
Failure to play written walking line $75
Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
Writing beat* numbers* under dotted figures $50
Playing eighth notes $5* each
Playing sixteenth* notes $10 each
Playing above 1st* octave - immediate dismissal
Dragging* fast tempo $75
Dragging* ballad tempo $100
Blacking out during ballad* $200
Ignoring* drummer's tempo $100
Following drummer's tempo $250
Asking* to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000*

UPRIGHT PLAYERS
Showing* up before first downbeat $25
Playing audibly $25
Faking* changes $25 *
Slapping $150
Missing tutti lick, then mentioning* vintage of bass* $25
Excessive sweating $25
Pedal point* double-stops during horn solo* $50
Asking leader for a solo* $30
Accepting solo when offered $50
Taking second chorus* $100
Playing solo arco $400
Pretending to check* tuning after* playing out of tune $100
Playing "A Train" ending on every* tune* $200
Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500*

ELECTRIC* PLAYERS
Checking hair between tunes $15
Experimenting with* odd meters* $25
Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
Playing with a pick* $50
Tuning during ballad $30
Playing* Jaco groove on samba $75
Playing* Jaco samba groove on ballad* $150
Attempting last word on final chord* $50
Achieving last* word on final chord $100
Long gliss down to final* note $200 *

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
Forgetting strap $10
Changing* strings after every set $15
Using electric tuner $15
Setting* up mic* "just in case" $75
Forgetting to turn amp on $40
Bringing amp larger* than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
Asking anyone for help moving* amp $25
Bringing custom-made* bass $100 per string above 4
Bringing* more than 1 bass $100* per extra bass
Skull decals on bass $150
Bringing* fretless* bass* $500*

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
Telling bone player about all the* gigs you get $10
Asking bone player about their day gig $10 *
Sitting* behind drums on break $10
Quoting "Birdland" $25 *
Practicing scales* during break $25
Practicing scales during* drum solo $50
Practicing* $150
Beginning a sentence with "When* I was a guitar player..." $50
Casually mentioning to Musical* Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $100*

BASIC* STUPIDITY
Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
Wearing new* Whitesnake tour shirt $20
Asking when the rock set starts $20 *
Continually asking "where are we?" $25
Continually shouting* "Yeah!" $25
Asking bone player where "1" is $50
Taking cell* phone call during 4's $100

--------- (this is when in recording session....)
Translation Guide to a Recording

Session Musician to engineer. Could we have more band in the phones?
Translation: The singer is too f**king loud in the phones !

Singer to engineer: I can't hear myself.
Translation. I don't want to hear anyone but myself.

Musician to guitarist: Can you hear yourself okay?
Translation: You're too f**king loud in the phones !

Bassist to band. Can everybody hear the drums?
Translation: This band is swinging like a broken record !

Drummer to bassist: Can you hear the kick drum?
Translation: We're not locking..... !!

Bassist to producer: Could we have more steel/fiddle/accordion in the phones?
Translation: I will punish the band for rushing.

Musician to producer: Could we have more piano in the phones?
Translation: Your artist can't sing in tune.

Musician to writer: This song has nice changes.
Translation. It's amazing what you can do with two chords.

Musician to producer or artist: This song sounds like a hit.
Translation: This song sounds like another song.

Producer to band: It's a feel thing.
Translation: I know the song sucks, but the artist wrote it.

Musician to producer: I don't think we'll beat the magic of that first take.
Translation: Please don't make us play this piece of s**t again.

Drummer to band: Should we speed up the tempo a couple of clicks?
Translation: Do you all intend to keep rushing?

Musician: Could we listen to one in the control room?
Translation: The way these phones sound, we might as well be listening to Radio Free Europe.

Producer to band: Let's take a break and come back and try one more.
Translation: I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.

Musician to producer: Were we booked for two sessions today?
Translation: Another three hours of this and I may have to kill you.

Producer to band: We're supposed to be done at six, but we've got only one more tune and I was wondering if we could skip our dinner break and work straight through.
Translation: You'll be done at nine, and you'll be hungry.

Artist to producer: I don't like this song; it really sucks.
Translation: I didn't write this song.

Producer to artist: Trust me. It is a good song. Radio will love it.
Translation: F**k you, I own the publishing on this song.

Singer to musician: Can you play something like (so-and-so) would play?
Translation: I really wanted (so-and-so) on this record.

------------
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"

"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

-------
hope you all enjoy the jokes....

cya!
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  #8  
Old 07-05-2006, 12:09 AM
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skinslapper skinslapper is offline
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What do you get if you cross a drummer with a gorilla?

A realy dumb f***ing gorilla!

Sorry, I get a little carried away sometimes.
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  #9  
Old 07-05-2006, 07:21 PM
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gyutae gyutae is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skinslapper
What do you get if you cross a drummer with a gorilla?

A realy dumb f***ing gorilla!

Sorry, I get a little carried away sometimes.
Huh? I don't get it...... (because I'm a drummer)

lol
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  #10  
Old 04-08-2007, 01:01 AM
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Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They have a machine to do that now.
---
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"

"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

hope you all enjoy the jokes....



truly the best jokes the buddy holly one, reminds me of some words of Yogi Berra(excuse my spelling)
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